Strange life

Its been more than a month since I took a decent meal...... more than a month that I read a newspaper.... more than 3 months that I bonded with friends .... ... been almost 6 months since I thought about my so called "hobbies"!!been ages since I had a decent conversation with anyone (including hubby dear)and the worst.... been a week since I slept well...(which means a decent 6 hours at night!)..yet I have been keeping my spirits high and not letting myself down!

The above things dint bother me as much even a week before.... but now its eating into me slowly... and worst its affecting my personal life with my children...!! I have become very impatient ... to an extent that I litrally screamed at my lill one... who is yet to turn one!

and why does it affect me now???... simply because I feel totally alienated from the rest of the world. I realise bonding with friends .... just for that half an hour.... makes you fresh....!! It may not be the most productive thing on earth to talk... it might just be a small gossip or a joke.... or some stupid story to share.... but that small talk is necessary to keep you sane....!!

I live in a building with 8 apartments.... where my flatmates are elderly people or working couples!! and the one couple with a child of my elder one's age never shows up... untill she needs some help from me! well...cant blame her! she might have her own plans .... who am I to ask....!!
But then .... just a few buildings away.... in another apartment complex there are people who bond with each other on a daily basis.... each one is there for the other one... when needed...!! Their kids play (irrespective of the age)with each other and the elder children take care of the younger ones.... and this gives enuf space for the mother to breathe.... if not anything else.... just close the eyes and take a small nap to ease up tensions!
Last week.. one of my friends who lives in that apartment... called me over to tell me that they are making a recipe which I have been asking for a long long time and she asked me to come over. After finishing my duties at home I walked to her place... to find 2 more friends waiting . All of them living in the same apartment. They were all talking between themselves.... each pouring their thoughts.... their woes and their share of laughs..... and they do this practically everyday. They even planned to take their children for a small picnic on their terrace... these kids would have loved it!! They share the same hobbies and their children bond well.... I just couldnt stop wondering.... how can people be so lucky...!! Well some are... and thats the truth...!! I felt alienated from them... because I felt I am intruding their space.... and they went on making plans for the next day and the day later...! I never felt like this ever.... it was like I was completely lost......!! People I have been bonding over a period time... have suddenly become so different to me...?? What was the problem..... was it jealousy or envy.... jealosy that in spite of all the work they have at home... they still find time to do things they love....?? Jealousy that they have someone to talk to and pour out their emotions....!! while at this..... I get a call from hubby dear that a courier of his is waiting to arrive anytime.... so I rushed back home... so that I dont miss it...!! At any other time I might have waited and gone a lill later but that day I rushed home.... because I was suffocating there... I felt very lonely and I just wanted to run away from there...!!Wow..... when I look back.... I feel sick about myself that I did that! But thats what I did shamelessly!


What is the remedy to such a feeling? what should I do... I am just piling up this jealousy inside me and throwing it up on my kids.... As home makers we cook and take care of home.. As mothers are expected to take care of kids... their tantrums and their requests.... but as an individual as a woman dont we have a need... to do things that we love.. just once in a week?? is that asking for too much?
am I wrong in feeling so jealous.... or am I over reacting?? I really dont know..... what to do...! I know that being impatient with kids is wrong... and they wont even understand if I say sorry to them.. but what do I do?
It is said that the other side of the mountain is always green..... true I cant judge their lives, but then thats what I said in the beginning... that half an hour outside the mundane and monotonous life .. is necessary to keep you sane....!!